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Of Gayness and the Suckiness that was X-men Origins: Wolverine

May 5, 2009

I became a fan of the X-Men in the early 90’s during the awesomeness that was the X-Tinction Agenda. Unlike a lot of X-Men fans however, Wolverine was never one of my favorites. I was around 12 then, hormones raging and horribly acne faced, which means it was far too easy for me to fall in love instead with Psylocke. A short and hairy muscular guy with claws simply couldn’t compete with this:

That said though, I did not entirely dislike Wolverine. Truth be told, I really liked how he wasn’t the most powerful of mutants but damn could he kick ass! I also liked that he wasn’t cut out to be your typical hero. He was rude, irreverent and arrogant. I always thought that was pretty cool.

Nearly two decades later, X-Men Origins: Wolverine comes to the theatres. And like the fanboy that I am, simply had to see it. And while some parts of the movie didn’t entirely suck, I must say I was rather underwhelmed. Even worse, I suspect that movie was quite gay. And I mean that in the most homosexually homosexual way possible. I mean think about it. We get Hugh Jackman in a nude fight scene but do we get an equally nude Lynn Collins? No. And that, my friends, is what you call a travesty.

If I must be subjected to a full view of Hugh Jackman’s naked butt, then surely it must be balanced out by this:

It wasn’t. Now add to that the fact that Sabretooth was played by some pretty boy. It’s fucking Sabretooth for crissakes!!! If anyone should be more feral than Wolverine, Sabretooth is it! But no, we get Liev Schreiber with a perfectly groomed beard. The rest of Team X save for Fred Dukes (The Blob) were also played by pretty boys. I mean, what the flying fuck?

My inner 12 year old was crushed. I honestly felt that this movie was not meant for the likes of me. It seemed that to enjoy it, one had to have a vagina. That or you had to be gay. Not that there’s anything wrong about being gay. Neither is there anything wrong owith having a vagina. I mean, hey, I like vaginas. All I’m saying is if you happen to have a penis and you actually liked this movie, then head on over to some gay chat rooms because I’m pretty sure you’d enjoy that too. Go on gay chat and talk with other guys who liked X-Men Origins: Wolverine, because that way at least, this movie might serve the purpose of helping gay geeks find love on the web. Go all out and explore free gay chat. View free webcams or even go on webcam yourself. You might even like dressing up like Wolverine, wait no! I mean GAYverine! Have ball. Or two.

As for me, I will wait patiently for Iron Man 2 while looking at cosplayers dressed up like Psylocke. Because unlike X-Men Origins: Wolverine, that is by no means a waste of my time.

Posted by peterjuan at 9:29 pm | permalink | comments[71]

About Me

Hi. I'm Peter "The Mordo" Juan, and I have a natural affinity for water. Needless to say, I love the ocean and I'm crazy about the beach! Just give me sand, surf and beautiful weather and I'm happy as a clam.

I'm a frustrated writer, an amateur photographer, a wannabe surfer and washed up fencer. I'm a hard worker, a good friend, a loving husband and a business mogul in training (mwehehehe).

I believe that normalcy is boring but I accept that it is a necessary evil. I believe that friendship is stronger than distance, that fact is stranger than fiction and that imagination is more powerful than knowledge. I believe that happiness is, more than anything else, a choice. And as cheesy as it may sound, I still believe that love conquers all.