A Message to the Blogger I Nearly Beat up Very Early Last Sunday

September 26, 2007

I very rarely get angry. Rarer still for me to get as angry as I was that very early Sunday morning over at Cable Car where, under the influence of alcohol and your own deluded notions of your so called sucky life, you insisted on making a total ass of yourself. It had been an awesome Saturday evening shared with friends, fueled by beer, food and good conversation. Unfortunately, you showed up. It was pretty ok for a while even then. But for some odd reason, you became fixated on some anonymous Korean guy who just happened to be there with his friends as well. From pointless rambling you quickly progressed to wanting to start a fight with a stranger who has done nothing to you. I cannot pretend to understand your reasons. In my opinion you were simply being a bigot. Worse than that, a stupid bigot. Things got uglier from there as I'm sure you recall. One of my feistier female friends stood up to you, in the process grabbing your collar until she tore your shirt the tiniest bit.

And then you tried to hit her.

I stopped you if you remember, caught you in a side control hold. What you probably didn't know was that I was very close to throwing your sorry, pampered ass to the floor. I stopped because I knew that I could have seriously hurt you. Even while I was quite drunk myself I managed to keep my head. At this point I wanted to kick your ass so badly that I actually asked you to fight me and not some stranger or try to hit a girl. You pussied out and retreated to a corner. It would have been nice if you quit it by then. The sad thing is you didn't. Just a few minutes later, even after your officemate who very kindly invited you to our gathering implored you to stop, you were at it again, trying rather pitifully to get away from the group of TMB editors that easily restrained you. Sure we could have let you go and let the Korean summarily beat you up. You really don't strike me as someone who can fight. But we opted to maintain the peace and keep the ugliness to a minimum. We are regulars to the bar you were making a scene in. One of us practically calls it home. More importantly, we still felt compelled to protect you from yourself because truthfully, we're nice guys like that. 

The Korean guy who you kept calling "gago" showed more class than you could ever hope for by actually coming over and apologizing to us. Says a lot doesn't it?

Thankfully after that, you left with your officemate, who I admire because he needed to deal with you more than any of us had to.

So you say you have issues. You paint your life bereft with difficulties and heartaches. You have an anger management  problem. Blah blah blah blah BLAH!!

Listen up kid,

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON TO HAVE HIS HEART BROKEN, TO FEEL ALONE, BETRAYED AND LONELY! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THIS WORLD WITH PROBLEMS. 

Your life isn't even that bad when you pause a moment and think about it.  You have an education, you are gainfully employed, you have people around you who oddly enough still call you friend. So quit whining. Quit blaming your parents. Quit blaming your situation. Quit blaming alcohol for your actions too. Remember, we were all drunk that night. You were the only one who acted like a fool. So stop taking out your issues on the world and on other people. They may have problems even bigger than yours.

Up until yesterday, I regretted not beating you up. I don't anymore. It would have been nothing but a waste of my time. But should you find that you can't control your anger again then come to me. I will manage your anger for you. If you want a fight, then face me. I'll gladly beat you up then. The Mordo is generous like that.

Otherwise, grow up and stop being so pathetic.

So You’re De-Evolving

September 24, 2007

Do you find that your facial hair is starting to spread past your face? Are your knuckles a few inches closer to the ground than normal? Do you feel like you’re spending more and more time climbing trees and throwing feces at your friends?

Well these are the classic signs of what is known as De-Evolving. Don’t be afraid, a lot of people have gone through this phenomenon, and they are now settling fine in their respective zoos.

Hopefully, this guide which we have devised can make the transition from being a Homo Sexual Homo Sapien to Missing Link an easy and enjoyable one for you.

Identifying The Signs

Now, the first thing to do is to make sure you are indeed de-evolving. In the early days, diagnosing this condition was easy as pie. All you have to do is ask your friends one simple question:

“Hey, am I dumb?”

If the answer is yes, then you are either de-evolving or Chris Crocker.

Now, because of techno music, habit forming drugs, and Dan Brown books; it’s gotten hard to tell if people are de-evolving or are just plain dumb. But thanks to our research and a recent encounter with a de-evolvee, we’ve come up with a list of signs by which you can tell if you are climbing down the evolution ladder.

 

Loss of Common Knowledge

This is a very tricky thing to test for. First of all, it really depends on how much common knowledge you currently have. So for the sake of SCIENCE, we’ll work with what we like to call the Carrot Top unit of measure.

For example, ability to recite the whole alphabet is equivalent to 1 Carrot Top:

Ability to find your way back home is 2 Carrot Tops:

Ability to pee while not missing the bowl entirely is 1/2 Carrot Top:

And so on and so forth.

And not being able to come up with an original thought warrants the special rating of Carrot Top with Pie in Face (CTWPIF):

Now, if your Carrot Top rating goes way below half of a Carrot Top, or even the dreaded CTWPIF, then you better have your mail forwarded to the nearest zoo because that’s where you’ll be staying from now on.

Normally, people who can walk a straight line without bumping into things don’t have to worry about their Carrot Top levels. However, if somebody asks you “Hey, when’s your birthday?” and you suddenly answer “Orange!” then feel free to contact any of us to get your official Carrot Top rating.

What Next?

So your Carrot Top rating is dangerously low. What do you do? Your first impulse would be to create a blog and fill it up with content stolen from other blogs. But trust us, this is not the way to go.

Yes, we understand that you want to make others think that not only you can write a coherent sentence, but are able to come up with mildly entertaining blog entries, it would be better to refrain. Because you’re not fooling anybody. Also, plagiarizing is not the solution to de-evolving or “being a fat fattie” as it is known in the streets.

But if you do insist on creating a blog, don’t use a profile picture that hides most of your face with your elbow which rests on one of the ugliest canes on the internet.

Not only does it tell people how ugly your elbow is, but it also tells us that have a Mao Tse Tung-shaped growth coming out of your right shoulder. And nobody gets any respect from that. Even if your Mao Tse Tung growth can talk.

Sadly, the de-evolving process is irreversible. Once you’ve been diagnosed, there is no going back. Best thing to do is make peace with your fate, pack up on several dozen combs, and just don’t copy anybody’s work and pass it off as your own.

Look on the bright side, you’ll be eating healthier, you will get plenty of exercise swinging from tree branches, and best of all, you will lose all inhibitions about whacking off in public.

===

Note: Inspired by Jonathan Coulton’s awesome song.

 

 

The 2nd I.PH User’s EyeBallnanza!

September 10, 2007

It was past 7:00PM, the agreed upon time for the meet-up, and only 5 of us were in Metrowalk, The Sexy Nomad, her bestfriend Patches, Ex I.PH intern Wits, the far flung Laguna boy Drei and I, the human walrus. I must admit I was getting a bit worried at this point. There were some people who wanted to go that had to cancel at the last minute. I was however determined to have a party. Fortunately, things picked up soon enough, kicked off by a phone call from Sweet Maricris. She was already with Deyey and we eventually joined them over at Dencio's where they decided to have dinner first. It was there that The Virus, accompanied by his cute "sister" Bela and the blooming Trish, caught up with us. At this point our group has suddenly become big enough to crowd the 1st floor of Dencios much to the delight of the other patrons because quite frankly, our group was quite hot, excluding my incredible fatness of course. We then moved to the Elbow Room, where we had a table reserved for us. Aspiring underwear model Marc also joined us a bit later, followed by Lord Randy and by my best friend Peachie. The always entertaining I.PH noob Bim, Man Blog co- founder Mike Villar and the very lovely Maffy Samson were in the area and also added to the fun. Then former I.PH graphic designer Ella showed up too! And so, while things started really slow, it quickly turned into the party I hoped. I'd tell you more about it, but I'll let these pics tell the story instead. Because as they say, pictures paint a thousand words. Also, I'm lazy. Enjoy!

Drei, all smiles

Wits, serious

Deyey, thinking naughty thoughts  about…

Maricris, who seems VERY happy about it

 

The mysterious Virus keeps his anonimity

 

While Trish continues to bloom

Patches works to rid herself of sobriety

Marc asks, "is this the face of the new Bench Body ad?" 

Jen the Sexy Nomad, yummy as always, happily awaits her sobriety killer.

Peachie, with a portion of Ella's face

Ok here's a bit more of Ella and Peachie 

 

Here, Wits, Maricris and Deyey show the difference between the effects of drinking water and drinking beer. 

 

"Must. Not. Hurl."

 

"Gwapings" pose. If you got that reference, you're old.

 

 Group pic!

Lord Randy, joins the "maboteng ushapan"

But pauses for another group pic.

 

Mood shot of 2 inebriated women. Yay!

Plain shot of 3 inebriated women.

 

Ah beer.

 

Lovers!

Trish and my camwhoring fat cheeks.

More fat cheeks! With Maricris this time.

 

 

Pool time! Trish misses that one.

 

Virus shows her how it's done as Bela looks on. 

Randy takes everyone to school!

 

While Patches says, "if you can't play, display!"

Bela get's to try too. 

Towards the end of the evening, the ladies gather around our aspiring underwear model

 

And feel him up.

 

Bim gets his chance too!

If you weren't there, we're sorry you missed out on an awesome time. No worries though! There are more parties to come! Aight, that's it for me. Blog on!