Tales of the Human Walrus by Peter “The Mordo” Juan

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A Birthday Post…A Really Long One…Without Pictures…Proceed at Your Own Risk.

June 25, 2007

I hate the fact that I have been reduced to blogging once a month. I swear whenever I open my post editor I feel compelled to fill you in with the mountain of accumulated details of the past few weeks, like making out with Maritoni Fernandez on Mo Twister's radio show or the comedic misadventure that was moving to our new house in Alabang or finally being dragged to Embassy (shudder) for the first fucking time and being seated right beside Donita Rose and Ruffa Guttierez. Thankfully I am able to resist and spare you from being bored by such trivial details. Not that this post won't bore you because in all likelihood it will. To tears.

Anyway, today isn't just any ordinary posting day, it also happens to be my birthday and in my book, that makes it just a little bit more special. Thank you to everyone who sent me their greetings. People who really know me also know that I don't like big birthday parties for reasons far too personal that you won't ever read them here or anywhere else for that matter, which is huge because I'm a pretty open guy. Last year my wife threw me a surprise party that I actually enjoyed but that is by far the only notable exception. Anyway, I don't think I'll be having a party this year and I'm perfectly fine with that. Oh I will be throwing a few celebraganzas in the new crib once we get the place better prepared but that'll be for reasons other than me turning 29.

29! Unfuckingbelievable. Can I really be that old? Well, not old old but damn, I don't think I act 29 most of the time. I mean, I just spent most of yesterday afternoon, all the way to the first hour of today, in front of the telly watching a Transformers Gen 1 and Gen 2 marathon. And I swear, like a kid, I watched in silent reverence as Optimus Prime, greatest of the Autobot leaders, was raised from the dead. Yes, in spite of the horrible animation, the borderline campy overdone voice acting, or the fact that I've seen this several times before, I was still very much in awe, so much so that my neglected Magnolia Twin Popsies melted and made a mess on the couch cushion, which I irresponsibly just turned over and is probably now crawling with ants. (Sorry Jen!) Real mature eh? Pfft Seriously though, I am not completely childish and I'd like to believe that I've managed to walk away from most of my experiences with at the very least, a bit more smarts. I do have friends who actually come to me for advice. Odd, I know, but I've given up trying to explain why people seek my counsel. I just chalk it up to my freakish intelligence. Mind you, I have no delusions of wisdom.

What I do have are moribund musings. I get that a lot this time of year. I guess I'm weird like that. My birthday makes me more aware of my own mortality, instead of making me feel more alive, I think about death. It makes sense in a way I think. We do start dying the day we are born. Anyway, being in such a morbid frame of mind resulted in a weird dream, which I'd like to share here. Yes, this is the part where I bore you. If you wish to read on, please know that this was a dream and I have tried my best to reconstruct it as closely to my own experience as possible.

I wake up and I immediately know that I am dead. I feel no pain, no fear, just a cold acceptance that I am quite definitely dead. I am on the ground or floor or something. White mist swirls around making everything look both extremely near and far. I sit up and adjust my eyes to the stark white light.

I see a girl standing in front of me, in tattered black jeans and a simple black tank top. She is hauntingly beautiful, skin like milk, tousled hair and an impishly naughty smile. On her head is a top hat, around her neck, an ankh. I look at Death of the Endless and I am perplexed beyond belief. How could Death look exactly like Gaiman portrayed?

"Am I dreaming?" I ask her.

And with a slight chuckle she responds, "No silly! You're dead! I don't see my brother around. Do you?"

I shake my head and I smile at her. It was difficult not to smile at her, not with the way she was smiling at me.

"I'm glad you don't seem so surprised to see me. People are usually surprised when they die and it doesn't make sense. Death after all is the great inevitability. So when I come, people should be expecting me. Right?"

I nod my head and I ask her, "How is it that you look the way you do? I mean, like in the graphic novels. If this isn't a dream, then why do you like Death of The Endless?"

She twirls around and and giggles like a little girl and I oddly don't find it annoying. Not even in the slightest. She appears to lose balance and gracefully plops down (if that is even possible) on the ground to sit beside me.

"That's because I appear in the form that the person I'm picking up is most familiar with. I guess that accounts for at least half of the people who are surprised when they see me. Black robes, a skull for a face and a meanie looking scythe is quite scary I must admit. Which is why I made that deal with Neil many years ago. I assume you're one of his fans. I promised him three extra lifetimes if he could create an image for me that felt more like me. I'm glad it's finally paying off."

She turns her head to look at me, and her face is just a bit more serious now. "Still, there is that other half that don't meet me as The Grim Reaper but who are just as startled and terrified. It's weird. Here I am, the one sure thing in EVERYONE'S life and yet NO ONE expects me when I come. It's funny you know. People should be more surprised when they fall in love or when someone falls in love with them or rarer still, when they fall in love with one another. Think about it, love isn't inevitable. It's an unexpected. But a lot of people go through life expecting to find love or to be loved or something, like it was their right and not one of Destiny's surprise gifts. People expect love, like it was promised to them. No one expects me. Don't they know that expecting me can be just as enriching as expecting love?"

I stayed quiet, not having an answer, looking out towards the infinite mist. For a moment I think I see a tear begin to form in the corner of her eye but then she suddenly stands up. "C'mon! Lets go!"

"Where?" I ask her.

"Well, now that you're dead, it's the end of everything for you. It is however, the beginning of everything else. That's where we're going!"

So we start walking. Two or three steps ahead of me, she is humming something that sounds a lot like a nursery rhyme but not anything I recognize. Her words still rang in my ears. The silence between us is comforting but I was feeling inexplicably anxious and so I said, "I think it's the movies."

She turns around to face me and says, "Hmm?"

"And not just the movies. It's everything. TV, books. Stories! It's the stories! People like stories, told one way or another. We've been telling each other stories for as long as we knew how! And the stories, more often than not, portrayed you as a bad thing. To die is to leave permanently and for those left behind, that's not good at all. I guess that's why most people are startled and terrified when they meet you, in whatever form you appear to them. I could be wrong but at least that's what I think. Am I making sense?"

She takes off her top hat and tucks a stray lock of hair behind her ear. She is smiling like a Chesire cat. "You know what, that actually sounds pretty good. You're right, you could be wrong but then again, you could be so wrong that you're actually right!" She starts laughing again and then she starts skipping away from me. As she starts fading into the mist, I run after her. When I finally catch up with her, we are back where we started. I don't know how I knew, the place we were indistinguishable from everywhere els. I just knew. I had ran as fast as I possibly could but I wasn't even short of breath. In fact, I wasn't even breathing. Not even a little bit.

Death puts her top hat on my head and says, "I like you. And while I know it'll be fun to have you here, I think I am going to put you back in the meantime. That is, if you don't mind."

I tell her I don't mind at all and that I'd appreciate a few more years with my wife. Not three lifetimes like Neil but a nice full lifetime sounds good.

"Awwwwwww." Death says. "You're terribly corny you know that? Let me tell you this, she will live for a long time and you'll be with her till you're both all wrinkly like prunes."

She held me by the shoulders and leaned towards me. "Promise me you'll tell people of our nice little chat. Tell as many people as you can, okay?"

I nod and say, "I promise." And I really meant it too.

Behind her, in the distance, I see a tall gaunt man in a long coat…

Death brings the brim of the top hat down to cover my eyes and I feel her lips faintly touch my cheeks.

With a kiss, Death brought me back to life.

And then, just as suddenly as it began, I awakened.

Beside me, my wife slept peacefully. It was still dark out. I checked my watch and saw that it was only a little past three in the morning. I slid my arm under Jen's neck, careful not to rouse her, until her head rested on my chest. There I watched her breathing, the slightest of smiles forming on her lips. Then I just held her, my unexpected, Destiny's sweetest gift, my dreaming dream.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am thankful to be who I am at 29. I have for the most part shaken the folly of adolescence, but not so much that I've become boring. I've been around the block enough times to actually be of help to others, but not to the point that life becomes predictable. And in spite the fact that writing still seems to elude me these days, in spite the 30 or so pounds I need to lose, and in spite the fact that I.PH users are still not as many as I hoped, I like my life right now. I like it enough that death doesn't scare me anymore. I like it enough to hold on to it for as long as I possibly could. No. if you think about it long enough, that isn't a contradiction. And yes, I know this sounds horribly serious and totally out of character and I understand that you are possibly pretty disappointed right now because you read this far and it wasn't funny or entertaining at all. Guess what, I don't fucking care. I end this now, because I'm nice enough not to waste any more of your time. One last thing though, I may not like birthday parties for myself, but I've come to realize that life itself is one big party. Celebrate it. The great inevitable will come for us all. So let's live like there is no tomorrow shall we? Know that we do not stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing. There. I'm all out of cliches so I go now.

Posted by peterjuan at 9:30 am | permalink

Previous Comments

age is just a state of mind. after all.

Posted by liz at June 25, 2007, 6:08 pm

and here’s a drink for your latest step down the road to death mr. mordo. no, not to be nihilistic or morbid, but yeah, why fuss about death? to (mis)quote Stephen King, it’s a long journey, so don’t sweat over the small details. just kick back, relax and smell the coffee. and smoke a cig or two if that rocks your boat, but don’t blow the smoke towards me.

happy birthday dude.

Posted by marcus at June 25, 2007, 10:30 pm

“Experiencing” the dream in this form is just as haunting the first time you shared it. So Neil IS Hob Gadling, eh? he doesn’t smell as old up close, though. You know that as well as I and the rest of those who got his autograph (sigh) here do. Happy birthday, Peter. I stopped counting my “birthdays” the moment I turned 30. Bah, age. Eternal youth happens when we mind our problems, hurdles, and trials well. There’s goes the secret.

Posted by fritz at June 26, 2007, 2:31 pm

Happy Birthday man.

Posted by Ade at June 26, 2007, 3:58 pm

Happy birthday Edammawrdow

Wishing you the happiest days (and nights) with Sweetjen

*bughug*

Posted by Peachie at June 27, 2007, 1:28 am

Hey Peter Peter Juan. Happy Birthday!

Eerie dream. It should be a graphic novel short, you know?

Posted by Noelle De Guzman at June 27, 2007, 5:29 pm

belated happy birthday, Adam!

Posted by jengkie at June 30, 2007, 3:56 pm

petah,

every day is a gift. cherish the moment.

belated happy 29 bro

Posted by bernice at July 6, 2007, 9:39 pm

better nate than lever…i only wish more years to come with ou and my bestfriend. you deserve it coz not only u take great care of jen but you also take care of me. thavk you for coming in to my life, Peter. *hugs*

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Walrus 3.0

A Birthday Post…A Really Long One…Without Pictures…Proceed at Your Own Risk.

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