Tales of the Human Walrus by Peter “The Mordo” Juan

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Ask Adam Mordo Anything!

August 3, 2006

I have recently dared to put my freakishly broad knowledge to the test by answering any question the folks at the TMB forum can throw my way. Marvel now at my supreme intellect!

Pau asks:

What’s my favorite color?
Why does our front hallway smell funny when it rains?
Why God Why?

Adam Mordo’s answer:

I’m fairly certain it’s one of these:

I suspect your front hallway is infested with tiny noses. Have them checked as soon as possible. Also, tell funny to take a shower if he gets caught in the rain so the tiny noses don’t bother him so much. Deodorant is also a good idea.

I asked God and this is what he said:

Steel asks:

If you are about to die tomorrow, why not today?
Do mailmen deliver their own mails? If they don’t, is there a chain of mailmen delivering mail to each other?
Are handbags made from 100% real hands?

Adam Mordo’s Answer:

Yes. Why not today? Should you learn that you are dying tomorrow, feel free to kill yourself. I’m sure the Grim Reaper will appreciate the assist.

Dude, mailmen pick up their mail at the post office. And what’s this balderdash about a chain of mailmen? Chains need to be made of sterner stuff like…like…STEEL!!!

No. Hand bags are bags you put hands in, you moran! What the hell are you on?

CC asks:

my officemate’s ass is making me horny. Should I go watch a movie?
I often feel sleepy after lunch, and end up with a post-lunch boner (you know, that metabolism thing). When I walk around the office, the girls stare at my crotch. Is it ok to stare at their tits?

Adam Mordo’s answer:

There seems to be hardly anything good in the cinemas these days, although I predict 2007 to be a much better movie year. So no. In general, a movie is a bad idea to combat horniness. Most of the films will end up boring you to tears and you might find yourself wanking off in the theatre just to keep awake, which could land you in jail, where your ass will most likely make the other inmates horny.

Assuming that the ass you speak of is attached to a hot FEMALE officemate and that you both are consenting adults, I suggest you tell her exactly how her ass is making you feel. Politely say, “Hi officemate. Listen, you’re ass is lovely and all but it’s making me horny and is distracting me from work. If I must stare at it, would it be possible to arrange a schedule after work, say dinner later? My treat. Otherwise please avoid my area for the meantime because. I’ll never get any work done if you keep passing by here.”Say this with a smile, like a half meant joke. Or send it as an email. Initiate playful flirting. As it is, it’s fun and it might actually just get you some action.

Yes, but only those whose nipples are also erect like these:

Mikey asks:

Is my boss gay?
Are you gay?
Am I gay?

Adam Mordo’s answer:

Yes
No
Maybe

It would be important to point out that the term gay has grown broader and broader over time that it is no longer limited to homosexuality, another term which has grown in scope through the years. It is therefore necessary to find a common definition of homosexuality and gayness before anyone can attempt to discuss it. Another important thing to consider is the number of psychological theories regarding homosexuality and it’s numerous sociological ramifications. But we aren’t discussing it. You have wikipedia for that. Instead, here’s all you need to know:

Pau asks again:

Is there anything more awesome than Knorr Liquid Seasoning?
I just downloaded the latest episode of Entourage! Should I watch it?
I’m due for a bath today, but it’s freaking cold. Should I take a bath now or tomorrow?
Tits?

Adam Mordo’s answer:

Yes. Tits.
If there are tits in the show then yes. Definitely yes.
Find a woman with nice tits and take a shower with her now. You won’t mind the cold.
Yes.

Serena asks:

can i have my cake and eat it too??

can i get jiggy with it??

why do i get horny on wednesdays, thursdays, and fridays, but never on mondays??

Adam Mordo’s answer:

If you don’t mind the calories.

Yes. Send pictures. Like this or better. And by better I mean more nudity.

Yes you are. You’re just to busy to notice.

Jesse asks:

why is the G spot called G spot when i dont feel any G in it…
same thing with the G string…i dont see any G on it…
is there such a thing as a man with only one BALL??

and why does CC think Pau is GAY??

Adam Mordo’s answer:

The Gräfenberg Spot or G Spot is named after the doctor who first noted it’s sensitivity, Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg.

The G String is widely believed to be derived from the word geestring, a piece of rope used by Native Americans (yep, them injuns!) to hold up their loincloths. Some people also believe that the G means groin, therefore it’s a groin string but that really makes no sense unless you wear it the wrong way. Etymologies notwithstanding, the more interesting questions are: “do you know where your G Spot is?” “and are you wearing a g string right now?” If the answer to these questions are yes, we would like photographic evidence of both. If not, I’ll buy you a g string and personally show you where your g spot is cause I’m just really nice like that.

Yes. This guy:

His name is Lance Armstrong.

Wishful thinking.

Thiyne asks:

How does orgasm feel? Because I could not differentiate the way I feel if I’m already having my orgas or not?

what is the sign if I’m already having my orgasm?

Adam Mordo’s answer:

I hate to be the one to tell you this Thiyne, but it’s very likely that you’ve never had an orgasm. The consensus from all the women I asked (hence the delayed response) is that if you have an orgasm, you would know. Don’t worry though, it’s really not as uncommon as you might think. Perhaps your sexual partners didn’t have the necessary sexual expertise. However, The only way we can know for sure is through demonstration. Riff here seems quite confident with his skills. Perhaps it’s something you should consider. I’ll be present to make sure that it is a purely scientific undertaking.

I will however consider the opposite extreme, that might actually start orgasming at the slightest hint of arousal and continue orgasming althrough out the sexual act, which is practically impossible and I’m certain very tiring. In this case then you are one lucky LUCKY girl.

If we cannot convince you to go through the “experiential learning” route, here are the most common physical signs of a female orgasm:

rising feeling of intense pleasure;
increase in blood pressure and pulse rate;
breathing quickens;
increase in vaginal lubrication;
clitoris first contracts and retracts into the clitoral hood and then becomes erect and exposed;
breasts become enlarged, nipples erect;
skin flushes, particularly the face and chest;
pelvic muscle spasms, causing vaginal contractions and orgasmic sensations.

Also, your face will involuntarily contort into something like this:

Do you have questions of your own that you want me to answer? I don’t care what it’s about. I have an answer for you. So go on now, send it over to adammordo AT man-blog DOT com

Posted by peterjuan at 5:56 pm | permalink

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