Tales of the Human Walrus by Peter “The Mordo” Juan

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Myspace Patrol Episode 2

January 16, 2006

Welcome to this month’s edition of the Myspace patrol. Joining us once again is Mikey, whose Atrocities of Friendster Series has resulted into countless hate mail, death threats that include a multi religious conspiracy to take him down and oh yeah, quite a few praises.While patroling the myspace universe, we came across dozens of extremely hot, lust worthy women such as Tweet and Natascha. This lead us to believe that Myspace might just be a utopia filled with beautiful BEAUTIFUL people. We were wrong, DREADFULLY wrong.

Case in point:

Case 11: Jojo

*Mike:* HAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAH. sorry

*adammordo:* Jojo here is smiling because he just got a makeover. The really sad thing is that it didn’t work.

*adammordo:* and no one told him

*Mike:* He’s got some sort of creature on his head. I don’t know what it is but I’m pretty sure it’s alive.

*adammordo:* It’s a really kind creature though. Notice those errant tendrils desperately trying to cover up that forehead.

*Mike:* Look at the sides man, it has quills! sweet!

*adammordo:* and one more result of the makeover, from a unibrow, he now has a TRIBROW!

*Mike:* We’ve made fun of unibrows before but this is just plain stupid. Just go with two eyebrows people. Is it really that hard?

*adammordo:* Maybe he’s hoping it will open his third eye

Case 12: Henry

*adammordo:* OMG! I saw this in the news. This guy ate Jollibee. Not AT Jollibee. A Jollibees. He ate the whole freaking store! Now he’s holding the mascot that stands by the door!

*Mike:* This is the view after this thing tears apart your house’s roof and you’re looking up at it. It definitely has that "IM GONNA EAT YOU! AND YOUR DOG!" look on its face.

*adammordo:* He looks so happy with Jollibee though. I guess he just really needs a friend. He should meet Mabel

*Mike:* A friend? are you sure he needs a friend? Look at where his middle finger is man.

*adammordo:* That is freaking scary man. Imagine if they actually spawn. We’re goners! That’s it for the planet. Game over.

Case 13: Alexis

*Mike:* Alexis averts his eyes for the first time in years from his AutoCAD interweb computer thing machine

*adammordo:* Because his boss’ drafting table is broken, he’s been asked to lend his forehead as a replacement.

*Mike:* Look at the expression on his face! He’s surprised someone’s actually talking to him.

*adammordo:* And he’s doing his best to look nonchalant. Like he does it all the time, while desperately hoping that that one measly strand will hide his drafting table of a forehead.

Case 14: Benny

*adammordo:* What’s wrong with this guy? He looks like he’s got diarrhea but he’s stuck at a formal occasion or something. Poor guy.

*Mike:* No. Actually, this picture was taken exactly as I stuck three fingers up his butt. Why I did it is not important at this point.

*Mike:* Have you seen Problem Child?

*adammordo:* Yeah, why?

*Mike:* Fag.

Case 15: Andrew

*Mike:* HISSSSSSSSS!! MUST. EAT. EGGSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

*adammordo:* Here’s another one of those genetic experiments gone wrong. They tried to create a human with the proportionate strength and wall climbing abilities of a gecko but they ended with a man who just looks like one.

*Mike:* Well he looks human. It’s just that it looks like he’s about to transform into a really hideous reptilian creature. I could picture his mom in front of him telling him off for playing too much Ragnarok and all his pent up anger’s slowly being channeled out. WHHHHHYYY DOOOOO YOU FEAARRR WHATTT YOU DONT UNDERSTANDDDD!!! HISSSSSSS!

*adammordo:* Then eats her.

*Mike:* And the entire town.

*adammordo:* Then he wonders why he doesn’t have any friends. Ain’t it obvious? It’s because he doesn’t have any lips.

Case 16: Gigi

*adammordo:* Gigi on the other hand is the product of the unholy union between Michael Jackson and a kid’s hamster.

*Mike:* Is it just me or are her eyes set too far apart? Look at it. I mean if you are to do one of those chinese eye-poking martial arts thingy on her you’d need to use your pinky and your thumb.

*adammordo:* I wouldn’t dare do that bro. She looks like she’s gonna bite. I bet she can gnaw off a finger in 3 seconds flat.

Case 17: Rosario

*adammordo:* Rosario here proudly proclaims on her site that she is "100% VIRGIN". I’m pretty sure it wasn’t by choice though.

*Mike:* I’ve seen a lot of boobs in my time (Two. Mine), and this is easily the ugliest pair I’ve seen. *adammordo:* Heck, your boobs look better than those man.

*Mike:* Well I couldn’t really say until I see her nips. Mine are pinkish.

*adammordo:* Yes. I know.

*adammordo:* Let’s never speak of this again…

*Mike:* Agreed.

Case 18: Lisa

*adammordo:* Lisa, Lisa, Lisa…Oh where to begin?

*Mike:* Beyonce! Can you handle this? *adammordo:* I don’t think Beyonce needs to shave though

*adammordo:* Man, look at that ’stache. It’s thicker than mine.

*Mike:* I don’t even think this thing’s alive. He looks like one of those stuffed animals hunters hang on walls or something.

*adammordo:* Uh, Mikey, that’s a girl.

*Mike:* Yeah and I can sustain an erection for more than ten seconds.

*adammordo:* Not while staring at her.

*adammordo:* And what the fuck is up with that headband man? Looks like someone drew on her forehead with the 3 most popular highlighter colors. Is she an ad for a highlighting pen brand?

*Mike:* Highlight what? The fact that she looks like a man? A very ugly one?

Case 19: Joanna

*Mike:* Watch out! watch out! She’s about to sneeze!

*adammordo:* I can’t seem to be mean to her. It’s obvious she’s been crying. Look at the bags under her eyes. *adammordo:* And it’s obvious she’s been pulling out her hair too. *Mike:* She looks like one of those wind-up bombs in Super Mario. I’m pretty sure that’s a fuse sticking out of her head.

*adammordo:* Holy crap! you’re right! Run!!

*adammordo:* Is it just me or is that earlobe really that FAT?

Case 20: Hazel

*Mike:* Fuck you man! She’s my ex girlfriend!

*adammordo:* Uh…

*Mike:* wait, she’s not.

*adammordo:* Whew

*Mike:* She looks like my ex girlfriend after I beat her up though.

*Mike:* I fucked up that girl so bad.

*adammordo:* Fer a minute I thought I had to shoot you.

*adammordo:* Well this creature looks like a perfectly healthy specimen of…of…of what?

*Mike:* disfigurement?

*adammordo:* Genius!

*adammordo:* I mean, c’mon, where’s her nosebridge?

*Mike:* Dude, does polio affect the arms?

*adammordo:* I don’t think it’s polio. I think she’s been chewing her fingernails a bit too hard, she’s been chomping on her arm.

*Mike:* And look at those lips man, they remind me of David Robinson or those Amistad slaves.

*MySpace Patrol Back Issues:* * Episode 1

Posted by peterjuan at 9:46 am | permalink

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Who I am

Hi. I'm Adam Mordo, the Human Walrus. As such, I have a natural affinity for water. Needless to say, I love the ocean and I'm crazy about the beach! Just give me sand, surf and beautiful weather and I'm happy as a clam. I'm a frustrated writer, an amateur photographer, a wannabe surfer and washed up fencer. I'm a hard worker (at least my boss thinks so) a good friend (as my friends would say...well I made them say that but...) and a business mogul in training (mwehehehe). I believe that normalcy is boring but I accept that it is a neccesary evil. I believe that friendship is stronger than distance, that fact is stranger than fiction and that imagination is more powerful than knowledge. I believe that happiness is, more than anything else, a choice. And as cheesy as it may sound, I still believe that love conquers all.